I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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