do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
