Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
They have beer where we have blood.
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