I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
