Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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