If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
