am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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