So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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