just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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