I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
