I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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