God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You are the jesus of drinking
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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