They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
