In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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