I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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