Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
