he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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