I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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