There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
