i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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