Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
