apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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