My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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