I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
