So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
