Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
