new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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