Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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