I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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