I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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