Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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