I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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