My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
