Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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