i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
