Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
