White coat. Heels.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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