I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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