You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
