all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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