Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
