the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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