My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
