The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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