I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
