I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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