So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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