Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
