remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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