Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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