Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
